There’s a man in our building that babysits his grandson. The child is 3 or 4 with black hair and big dark eyes. Most of the time his mother is picking him up, but this week, as Dale & I were walking the dogs, his father pulled up in front of the building and stood on the sidewalk waiting. We watched that child walk out the front door of the building hand in hand with his grandfather, turn on the sidewalk and lay eyes on this man at which point he squealed, DADDY and went running, arms spread, smile on his face, eyes bright....It was beautiful to watch. It was one of those moments that makes being a parent worth all the sleepless nights, all the heart ache, all the sacrifice. It was a moment my sweet husband will never know. It was a moment that broke my heart.
Just in case you haven’t been following the “Making Baby Jones” journey, I’ll catch you up. It’s been a year and a half since we had my tubes untied. Many cycles, many tears and $15,000 later, we’re no further along than when we started. Honestly, the heart break is just too much to keep trying. And while there’s nothing more I want for Dale than to know what it’s like for little eyes to look up at him and smile, I just don’t have it in me to keep trying.
This week as we reflected back on the past year and a half, Dale assured me he was ok. All he ever wanted was me. And if that’s all he ever had, he’s fine with it. He told me that it says a LOT about our relationship that we survived the last year of heart ache and heart break, stronger and more in love than ever. And, I told him that it said more about HIM than me. He asked, “Why?” Why would I say that?
Any woman that has ever taken Clomid already knows the answer to that question. They lovingly refer to it as Clomid Crazies, which I thought was just a funny name until I took it. Oh My God. My very first month on the fertility drug
I LOST MY DAMN MIND. I seriously thought I was losing it, but my patient husband stood by and held me when I unravelled, held his tongue as I screamed at him, held me as I cried. If I were him I would have PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE. There’s much to be said about men that love their wives through fertility drugs.
In the past year and a half Dale has spent days in bed with me when I couldn’t get out because I just couldn’t stop crying....He stood by me while I took hundreds of ovulations tests and almost as many pregnancy tests....He helped me track my temperature every morning and chart it and figure out ovulation and did his best to perform on demand....and he stood there in the shower with me in Myrtle Beach when we found out the IUI procedure didn’t work, when I laid under the water and cried uncontrollably...unable to stop, unable to breath, with no motivation to get up and try again...No motivation to face tomorrow.
A year and a half ago I truly believed that if we untied my tubes we would in fact get pregnant. I believe with all my heart that one day we would hold our child....that Dale would finally know what it was like to have a son or daughter of his own. It never occured to me that it wouldn’t work. Of course, I said to people that I didn’t know if it would happen or not, but deep down I TRULY BELIEVED it would. And now, as I face the end of our journey, it breaks my heart to know that I failed. It breaks my heart to know that it’s time to let go and move on.
While I’m sad and trying to heal my broken heart there are a few thing I know. My husband is an amazing man. He is patient. He is kind. He will never truly know what he missed and for that I am thankful.
There are more women struggling with infertility than I realized. Through our journey I’ve learned that MILLIONS of women suffer from infertility and due to high costs of procedures there are many many women that will never know what it is to be a mother. I won’t forget you and I will find a way to bring light to your struggle.
While what I wanted so much didn’t happen, I wouldn’t trade the last year for anything in the world. Garth Brooks said it so perfectly....
And now, I’m glad I didn’t know, the way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives, are better off to chance. I could have missed the
pain, but then I’d of had to miss....The... Dance.